


When I Wasn’t Looking

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-21
Updated: 2013-04-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 14:40:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8106220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: Post Endgame. Chakotay has an epiphany of sorts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the VAMB 2013 Picture Prose contest.
> 
> Thank you to Gates, QS and Audabee for running the contest and Malezita for the fabulous visual prompt.
> 
> And to my ever patient beta, Kim J, thank you again, m’dear.

_Oh, brilliant plan, you prize idiot! This is exactly where you meant to finish up – perched on a pile of balls because you don’t have any of your own. Sonofabitch!_

The relentless taunting by the smug voice in his head was really getting on his nerves but he deserved every bitter, derisive word of it. He’d been a fool and was now paying the price. But what pissed him off most of all was that it hurt so damn much. He should have known; he should have figured it out sooner – it wasn’t as though it was an unlikely eventuality – it just hadn’t occurred to him.

_Nuts, genius!_

He wished he could go back in time, to just a few hours ago, when he was wrapped in the mantle of blissful ignorance, completely unaware of the hill of hurt that awaited him.

The fact that he hadn’t realized before now was consummate proof he was off his game; his head in some other part of the galaxy – there was plenty of it to choose from _and_ he’d seen a goodly portion of it. Of course, it could also be that his head was simply up his ass – that theory had merit, too.

It had slipped his mind that being back on Earth meant there were no constraints, no ‘rules and regs’ to dictate Kathryn’s actions.

The beaming smiles every morning, the softer hairstyle, the warmth in her eyes and the subtle change in her body language – it was so obvious now – but until this morning’s rude awakening he’d been blind Freddy.

_Goddamned, idiot!_

His brief but doomed liaison with Seven was over and she’d moved onto greener pastures but it appeared she wasn’t the only one exploring this new fertile landscape.

Paris – _the fucking know-it-all_ – knew; the looks passing between him and Torres were an easy read and even Harry seemed to be ‘in’ on the secret.

_Gormless, clueless Harry had figured it out, but blinkered, arrogant Chakotay didn’t have a clue. Score one for the neophyte._

This morning she was wearing perfume; something different to her usual scent – he’d picked up on that straight away – but it was only after catching a luscious nose-full of something vanilla-laced and aromatic that he’d paid proper attention. His epiphany had slammed into him with all the subtlety of a Nausicaan head-butt and the result was dire and swift. He felt sick to his stomach and his head spun as the bottom dropped out of his world.

If they’d been on Voyager and still immersed in their roles of best friends and confidants, he might have had the guts to speak to her about this sudden but marked change. But they weren’t and they probably never would be again, so he was left to come to his own conclusions about her transformation from straight-laced authoritarian to soft-eyed enchantress. The one tormenting him – little did she realize – on a daily basis.

He knew now, though; the blinders were off and the reason was clear.

Kathryn had found someone. She was in love.

It was as plain as the smile on her face, the sparkle in her eyes and the swagger in her step. He realized now, that since their arrival, she’d been slowly, but surely emerging from the cocoon of duty and responsibility and, like a butterfly, she’d spread her wings and flown the coop.

_Appropriately twisted analogy, old man. Bravo._

He, on the other hand, was left feeling lead-legged and fractured – not that he had any right to be upset. He had no hold over her, but it hurt like a bitch and he was entirely unprepared for the surge of jealousy and betrayal that clawed at his throat and soured his stomach.

What the hell was that about anyway? It wasn’t as though there was anything between them. They, or rather she, had established those parameters years ago at a time when he’d been achingly smitten and in awe of his new captain. That awe had eroded over the years; the spikes of yearning and sharp ridges of want weathering into the more comfortable rounded edges of friendship and camaraderie. He’d liked it that way – no promises, no responsibilities – or so he’d thought.

But the notion of someone else ‘knowing’ her; of some stranger being privy to the sensual secrets, silky skin and climactic cries of ‘his’ Kathryn was enough to throw his safe little world completely off kilter.

She’d caught him staring at her this morning, across the wide table in the debriefing room. A moment before that, he’d caught the waft of her new scent and, coupled with her easy smile and the way she’d nonchalantly leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs, he’d been struck by the overwhelming urge to reach across the space between them, haul her into his arms and stake his claim.

She’d quirked an eyebrow at him, her eyes dancing with delight and he swore his heart almost stopped mid-beat.

He couldn’t drag his eyes away from her and for the rest of the group debriefing, he’d continued to stare, trying to mentally force her to look at him again; willing her – with their supposed preternatural bond – to raise her eyes from the PADD she was studying. But she didn’t. Her mind was no doubt preoccupied with memories of her lusty lover and their erotic trysts; long nights spent writhing amongst the sheets, bodies entwined, breaths and fluids mingling, the heady scent of sex and satiation filing the air between them.

It took all his energy to stop himself from playing those mental images over and over in his mind, to the point where it made his head hurt.

_You’re going to give yourself a fucking aneurism if you don’t cut it out._

And that was how he’d finished up here – sitting in a deserted gym, amidst a haphazard pile of balls.

* * *

A visit to the gym had seemed like a great idea at the time – blow off some steam, release a bit of energy – good intentions and all that. But all he could see was Kathryn’s smiling, happy face and his frustration and anger had built to such a point that no amount of squats or chin ups was going to help.

At abdominal crunch number forty-seven, he’d lost it and hurled the medicine ball at the wall. It gave a satisfying thud as the leather bound sphere of sand smacked against the bricks.

_Fuck you, Kathryn!_

Oh, but that was the problem. How he wished he could – and so much more.

He glared at the solitary ball that had borne the brunt of his anger and realised that it wasn’t enough. Clambering to his feet, he grabbed another and threw that as well, then another and another. Every ball he could lay his hands on was pelted at that mangy old wall – medicine, basket, foot – a silent curse accompanying each one.

When they were all piled into the corner and there was nothing left to throw – unless he decided to start hurling benches and weights – Chakotay doubled over.

Hands on knees, he heaved deep, unsatisfying breaths – in through his nose and out through his mouth. He’d used up plenty of energy but the jury was still out on whether he felt better or not; he was going for ‘not’.

He still had fifty-three crunches to go to make it to his routine one-hundred, so with a resigned sigh, he straightened and plodded to the pile of balls to retrieve one. But the fire in his belly had petered out; all he felt was drained and empty. What a damned mess. Life sure had a habit of kicking him in the nuts when he least expected it. But he only had himself to blame. Feeling more than a little sorry for himself, he sat with a thud on the nest he’d created and, draping his weary arms over the top of his knees, looked up to survey the damage.

_Well, I’ll be damned!_

_Kathryn!?_

It wasn’t a surprise that he hadn’t heard the door open, but finding her leaning up against the bank of lockers was.

She was watching him with that look in her eyes. The one that spoke of amusement tinged with affection, along with a smidgeon of irritation thrown in for good measure. He’d seen it many times but rarely was it aimed in his direction. He wasn’t sure if he liked it but on the other hand, it felt good to be the focus of her attention, even under these circumstances.

_Spirits, man, pathetic much? Just get this over with and move on._

In an effort to maintain his dignity, he pasted a smile on his face and wove his fingers together – he hoped he looked casual and carefree. He had his doubts.

“Hello, Kathryn. What brings you down here?”

“I followed you.”

Now that admission piqued his interest. “Umm, why?”

“You’ve been out of sorts all morning and I was worried about you.”

“I’m fine.”

“Hmm, but I thought you might like to talk.”

He shrugged and with his foot, began rolling a basketball in small circles.

Kathryn raised her eyebrow, a smile tugging the corner of her mouth. He must have looked like a three year-old after a tantrum, no wonder she was amused.

He toed the ball away. “I’m fine, really. I just have some stuff…”

“Stuff?”

“You know. Things I have to get straight in my head. It’s been a busy couple of months.”

“It has.”

“Busier for some.”

His words provoked a frown and he felt a small rush of triumph at her confusion. _Ha, see how it feels!_

He did an internal eye roll and gave himself an imaginary smack upside of the head. _Make that a two year-old. You’re pathetic, you know that? Grow a pair._

Being secretly in love with your ex-commanding officer had a significant down side.

Her frown of confusion was still there but she remained civil. “There hasn’t been much time for anything other than the debriefings. I’ve missed our time together and our talks.”

He was taken aback by her bluntness. Where were the deflections, the oblique suggestion of feelings and the coy innuendos? And was that a shimmer of hurt in her eyes?

_Time to man up; be her friend and stop whining like a little girl._ “I’ve missed them too. Very much.”

Her eyes brightened. “How about lunch? You still owe me that raincheck.”

As hard as he tried to hold onto it, his heart soared.

_Traitor!_

But his smile was genuine and he was treated to a rapturous one in return. Now that _did_ surprise him.

She stepped forward and extended her hand. “Need some help?”

God, if only she knew.

He took her hand; so soft and fine-boned but strong and sure – much like its owner.

She tugged and he pivoted to his feet, coming to within inches of her.

His bare chest brushed against the sleeve of her uniform jacket and he could have sworn that he heard her sip a breath between her lips. Neither of them moved. He wasn’t sure he could if he’d wanted to, and Kathryn seemed equally riveted.

Stalemate again. How many times had they been here? Too many.

_Do it, man. Say it. It’s the only way you’ll know for sure._

“Congratulations.”

That made her blink. “Whatever for?”

His grip on her hand hadn’t loosened, it had become his anchor and he didn’t want to let her go. “He must really be something – I mean it’s been a long time and I know you don’t fall in love easily. I’d like to meet him one day.”

Her look of confused astonishment soon morphed into a wide-eyed, knowing smile; her lips pursed with the effort to suppress her amusement.

His soaring heart landed with a thud back in his chest.

However, other less obedient parts of him responded when she bit her bottom lip, looked up at him and nodded.

“Yes, he really is something.” She chuckled. “Not as intuitive as I thought but things have been a little up in the air lately.”

With her admission, his recently-landed heart cracked and dropped like a stone at his feet. He squeezed a few well-meaning words through a throat quickly tightening with bitter regret. “Well, you deserve to be happy and I’m glad…”

She interrupted.

_Thank god._

“Really? You’re glad? You don’t look it.”

His grip tightened on her hand to the point where he could feel the bones grinding together. He met her eyes and decided that lying was out of the question. He wasn’t that good a man. He loved her and was in agony knowing that she loved someone else. He was selfish that way.

“No, you’re right. I’m not happy for you. I’m mad as hell.”

Her grin just got wider. “Good.”

“What?”

“I said, good. I’m glad you’re mad. I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if you’d let me go so easily.”

“What?”

Her shoulders slumped an inch or two. “I love you, you ass.”

“Me!?” Suddenly, he could breathe again but the rush of oxygen was making him lightheaded, and her smile was so dazzling, he was seeing stars.

She slapped her hand, hard, on his chest and the sting and noise jolted him out of his stupor. He almost hummed the word. “Me?”

“Yes, you.”

His world tilted back on its axis and he looked into her eyes. “Me.”

This time she laughed and reached up to cup his cheek. “I don’t know why you’re so surprised. I thought you knew.”

He shook his head, half in wonder and half in answer. “I had no idea. I thought… well, you know what I thought.” _No need to go there again and prove to her what a dolt you are._

She closed the space between them, her eyes still on his and her scent filling the air. He inhaled and whoa! Punch in the lungs.

Before the spell could break or life kicked him in the nuts again, he wrapped his arm around her waist, wove his fingers through her hair and pressed his mouth to hers.

She moaned into his mouth and the vibration echoed through his jaw and teeth – God he loved her.

Her fingernails sank into the skin of his shoulders as he deepened the kiss. In a smooth move, he lifted and pressed her against the mangy wall. It would leave marks on her uniform but he kind of liked that idea.

Another groan – this time he thought it was him – and his hips, with a mind of their own, thrust against her; and she – God he loved her – thrust back.

He muttered the words against her lips and she swallowed them whole.

This was love’s homecoming.

_And about time, too._

Fin.


End file.
